Depression Is A Bitch
So it would appear I have been a little bit missing in action and I thought it was about time I did a post. As many of you already aware, my most recent bout of depression has lasted almost 2 years. Approximately four months ago I was happy to state that I was on the mend, I was signed off from counselling and I was slowly starting to be taken off my medication. However, things are no longer as rosy as they once were. I have had what I would call a bit of a relapse in regards to my depression and anxiety. My sleeping patterns are a mess, the bizarre nightmares have once again returned which in turn has brought back my fear of bedtime and attempting to sleep. My anxiety is kicking off on a regular basis which as you can imagine is making daily life a little bit more difficult than usual. It has gone to the point where I can only seem to do one thing a day before I begin to feel tired and useless. For example: on a day when I’m in work, once I completed my shift and gone home I will mentally consider that my “one thing” done for the day. On a day when I’m not working, I will work out what things I need to do and hopefully complete a task in order for me to feel productive. It’s not that I am lazy, nor have I ever been like that. It’s just that with the combination of medication, sleepless nights and ridiculously aggressive anxiety, my ass kind of gets kicked on a daily basis.
I am still however doing my very best to heal, look after myself and generally just get on with life. I have dealt with depression for close to 20 years now and without a shadow of a doubt this past two years have been the most difficult and trying period of my life. Because of this nasty bout of depression I have naturally shied away from speaking to people, it seems that becoming withdrawn and generally shying away from the world has become my default way of living. Many of you who suffer from such mental ailments, will understand the need to hide away and avoid contact with people and the real world. It is a difficult path we tread, one that is laced with traps, obstacles and Demons that jump out and grab at our ankles with little or no warning.
I do still have plenty of desire to create and write the books that I want to, but unfortunately at the moment it would seem that the motivation needed is trapped in an endless dark cloud of self-doubt and severe lack of confidence that forces my creative desires to run away and hide. My mind still does allow itself to think constantly about characters, plots and stories which is a good sign that my mentality is not on the brink of shutting down. I do find it increasingly frustrating that my energy reserves are practically depleted regardless of how much rest I try to get.
What I no longer shy away from is honesty about my condition, far too many people are afraid to be honest about anything regarding mental illness. I do believe it is time for people to be open about what they are suffering with, because the sooner we all realise that we are indeed not alone then we can begin fighting for our sanity as a collective force with the support of wonderful and strong people that we are just beginning to realise surround us.
It would seem that depression and anxiety force those with these illnesses to feel emotions on a much more intense level. This is speaking from personal experience but I’m pretty sure that there are others that feel the same way. So any form of negativity is magnified as is the damage it does to the human soul. But at the same time smallest bit of kindness, love or affection is also magnified in such uniquely positive way that even the smallest of gestures can really help someone.
Every day I wake up with my metaphorical sword and shield to take on the day and hopefully fend off the Demons that lurk in the shadows. I will not let this relapse break me, I’ll recognise it for what it is and I will see it through until the clouds break and reveal a little bit of light and positivity in my life. There are days when all I feel is emptiness, there are days where I don’t have energy to feel anything at all. Not only is depression a bitch, but so is apathy. I firmly believe that every day we wake, we should be grateful to be alive and do at least one thing that we enjoy to add just a little bit of happiness which in turn will allow positivity to slowly and gently sneak back into our lives.
I leave you with the thought that, every single one of us is on a journey. We have no idea where we have come from or where we are headed, we cannot comprehend the difficulties those around us have had to face to simply get out of bed and face the day. So be kind, be patient and if we implement our lives with just a little bit more understanding then the world be a much kinder place.
For those of you out there that are dealing with any kind of issue, physical or mental then please know that you’re not alone.
Look after yourselves and don’t be afraid to reach out.