Friday, 23 September 2016

The Darkness Can Be Blinding

Regardless of how much people know about you, you sometimes feel compelled to keep certain things quiet. In particular weaknesses that you worry will make other people see you in a different and not completely positive light. Everyone knows I suffer with severe depression and anxiety, and most people also know that I was recently diagnosed with PTSD. Yet still for some reason I still feel the need to keep quiet and get on with my life as if I don’t have these life crippling issues that I am in constant battle with on a daily basis. 

So here I am being honest about my illness, really honest. The truth is, I am not in a good place. I guess you could say the place I am in right now is very bad. This morning I had to ring in work sick because my anxiety last night got so bad that I had (yet again) horrendous nightmares that led to me having a ridiculous migraine and then vomiting in the early hours. Any those of you who know me, it takes an awful lot for me to ring in sick, mainly because I love my job and hate to feel like I’m letting people down so 99 times out 100 I soldier on. 

I just can’t do this anymore, my current living situation is awful, me and my husband have lived in this flat for 11 months and for the entirety of those 11 months we have been subjected to all manner of horrible situations from our vile excuse for a human being neighbour who lives above us. The endless noise and verbal abuse has made me a nervous wreck and the music that booms until the early hours has now forced us to move our bed into the living room in the hopes of actually getting some sleep. So yes, we are now sleeping in our living room. Not only that but it would seem that the only option we now have is to leave our home and move somewhere else. The alternative which we were originally pursuing was to have our neighbour evicted which we were told would take anything up to and maybe exceeding 12 months. In all honesty due to my health I don’t have 12 months of energy or fight left in me. We have now asked to be moved as it’s is the best choice for us and we are being moved in just under a month and while it is positive and people say it’s not that long to wait, given my current situation living with this on a daily basis makes the wait that much harder. What has been occurring to me recently is that every single home I have had, I have been chased from or forced to leave for some reason or another. I’m 32, can you imagine never being able to call anywhere a home? It’s fucked up and it makes me angry/upset/pissed off. 

One of the most important things you learn during times like this, is who really wants to be in your life. While relationships in any form are a 2 way thing, sometimes you run out of energy to give to other people regardless of your relationship with them. I have some dear friends who I haven’t heard from in a while and that is fine, as I know that they have their own ‘stuff’ to deal with and their own lives. But there are other people who really should try harder or just tell me you don’t want me in your life. While this may come across as angry and scathing I just don’t have time for people who just can’t be bothered with me. I can genuinely count my dearest friends on one hand and I love them dearly, they are wonderful people and I am looking forward to celebrating all their amazing life moments with them. The love I have for those people is forever and I am lucky that I have that, because not only does it show me that there are some incredible people out there, it shows me what true friendships and relationships should be. 

I am in therapy at the moment and it is intense, but hopefully once I eventually come to the end of my sessions I will be stronger and able to take on the world with a little bit more sass and strength.

Despite all of this, I am still fighting to get better and to survive. Sometimes it just gets to a point where you need to vent and get everything off your chest. This post is just that, an emotional and angry venting of a lot of the things that are weighing me down right now.

Call it what you will but as I say all the time, it all boils down to survival. Strive for survival and prove to yourself that strength and willpower to be happy make you a great person. 

Roll on moving day, please god let it come quickly.

Just remember. Survival.